Friday, October 5, 2012

came to believe

The second step of any of the Anonymous groups is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." This is pretty much where I am in both my recovery process in general as well as my recovery process in Sex Addicts Anonymous. Caveat: "My name is __________, and I'm a sex addict." I've been saying this for about a year now. Historically, this information has only been shared with a trusted few. I struggle at times with setting limits on how much to tell and to whom to tell; however, in this, I believe it is now time to be able to bring this part of myself fully into the light as this is not only my struggle, but many others' struggle both inside and outside of the Church. The more I reflect on my sexual history  - in addition to the thoughts, emotions, consequences, and overall process surrounding my sexual history - I clearly see the stamp of the addictive process/disease in my life. Thus, I am growing in awareness of my powerlessness and unmanageability (Step 1 of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous - the same steps for all Anonymous groups).

As I am venturing into the land of this second Step, I can't help but be thorough. Example: I know there is a Power greater than me that could restore me to sanity. But this Step isn't looking for knowledge; it's looking for belief. I find myself very conflicted lately when comparing what I think I know to be true of the Holy Bible versus what I believe to be true of the Holy Bible and its implications. I know God says He will never leave or forsake us, but I'm not sure I fully believe that. I know that God wants to father me in ways an earthly father never could, but I don't believe that this is possible or probable a lot of times. I know that I am supposed to rely fully on God and lean not on my own understanding, but I don't believe that God will be there to catch me if I let go of the control, hence leaving me clinging to my self-reliance.

I do believe that God is working in my heart and mind. I do know that He is right and my beliefs are not necessarily right (beliefs in general that is because I definitely know all the aforementioned beliefs are not right). I am trying to be much more emotionally honest and authentic with myself, others, and God. I don't believe this will be a quick fix for me, but I do believe it will result in truer intimacy and deeper relationships. I believe this will satisfy my soul more. I'm pretty sure God is okay with my unbelief though as I ask Him to help me in it. Otherwise, I'm super screwed I guess.

All of that to say I am coming to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, but I'm not quite there in believing that God will restore me to sanity. I believe that He could, but I'm not sure I believe that He will if I'm honest with myself. This is gradually being reconciled with the Holy Spirit within me, but not quite yet. I'm honestly a little scared of that reconciliation because of how much trust and release that truth would require. I guess if I'm truly a slave to righteousness though those things are already required without my belief in that truth. Hmm.

~ Help me in my unbelief.

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