Questions

Let me just begin with saying that I hate "why" questions. I think they're typically useless because they're too complex and head-centered versus action-centered. Thus I will spill my questions and then come back to revise them later.

Why is anger and hurt so hard to let go of and forgiveness so hard to hold onto?

Why does holding a grudge make me think the other person is affected by it?

Why do I want others whom I feel should be punished to experience the same hurt I feel?

How do I reconcile all of this to the new man inside of me?

On another note:
How is it that generational curses can persist in light of the new covenant? or can they not?

Well, that's about it for now, except please join me in praying that I will get the job I applied for with Region 8 Mental Heath Services and it will work out well. Thanks.

Child development

Growing up, my family played a lot of board games. I mean, we LOVED - and love - board games.

As I think more about, I think the games we played largely shaped the way I formed into who I am now. I reaped what was sown, I guess one could assert.

So, I think the game "Guess Who?" pretty much sums me up. It encompasses my quest for self-discovery, identity instability (maybe), and being an inquisitve and analytical person.

What childhood game do you think shaped you? How?

Ok, I've decided...

I MUST start singing again.

I have just now watched about 4 songs from Broadway musicals online. I now feel like my body is ready to burst with song. Literally, I am physically on edge. I know that I was gifted with musical abilities for a purpose. Social work can not satisfy this. Participating in worship one to two times a week can not satisfy this. I want more. I need more.

I am anxious to see how this is played out.

What do you feel are qualities or drives in you that are intrinsic, undeniable, unsupressable, and calling you to act?

A Mississippi Man

I just realized how much the culture here is affecting me. Over the last couple weeks I have:

Shot 4 different guns in a pasture behind a chicken house. (all pistols: .22, 9mm, .38, and .357), bought a Topsy Turvy, and planted squash, green beans, bell peppers, and hot peppers.

It's official: next week, I'm getting mud flaps.

These mud flaps.

Today

Sometimes, I wonder incredibly too much what others think,

and sometimes I compare myself way too much to others,

and sometimes I wonder how I'd be different if I was just ok with me, right where I am,

and sometimes I think I'll "arrive" at that place of quintessential contentment.

I'm thinking contentment is much more of a vehicle than a resting spot.

Results

After what seemed like forever trying to get arrangements made with the financial counselors at St. Dominic's Hospital (because I'm without insurance currently), my health clinic and the lymphedema clinic, I was finally able to get an appointment. Sarah and I went to the Lymphedema Clinic this past Thursday.

The occupational therapist (OT) asked me a few questions about my arm to start things off. In very little time she stated that I pretty conclusively have lymphedema. To know for certain if it is lymphedema versus another time of edema - a.k.a. swelling - I would have to have an expensive test done where they inject dye into my arm and measure the uptake of the dye by my lymphnodes and all of that. Regardless of whether it is general edema or lymphedema, though, the treatment is the same. The OT said that I likely have primary lymphedema which means that I got it genetically. This surprises me because I don't know of any family members who had it other than my dad, but his was from cancer in his lymphnodes so his was technically lymphoma.

I begin treatment tomorrow. I am scheduled to have treatment every morning this week. Kim, my OT, does not think I will need all 5 days, but we scheduled it just in case. Kim's pretty certain that she can get my left arm back to its original size. On Thursday, my left arm was about 1.5 inches larger in circumference than my right arm (which is my dominant arm). The treatment is called Complex Decongestive Therapy (CDT). It is basically the manual moving of the fluids from the extremity with unhealthy lymphnodes to other extremities. So, beginning tomorrow, Kim will push the fluid from my left arm toward my right arm and left leg. The fluid should then be processed properly there and no swelling persist, ideally. After she finishes the treatment tomorrow, I'll have to wear bandages on my arm until the treatment Tuesday and that pattern repeats all week. Once treatment is finished I'm pretty much set. I will learn techniques to perform "self maintenance" on keeping the fluid down in my left arm. I am to go see Kim after treatment is concluded if the swelling continues and persists for more than 2 weeks. So basically: I do this treatment this week and just go in for tune ups when I need them.

There are a few life changes that will have to come with this. One is knowing and dealing with the fact that I'm not invincible. Lymphedema is not curable, but it is treatable. Another change is that I will likely have to wear a compression garment when engaging in physical activity. A final change will be making healthier lifestyle choices. I will need to exercise more regularly (with my compression garments), eat foods that are low in fat and salt, and practicing meticulous watchfulness over my left arm including heightened skin care and steering clear of scratches, bug bites, needle pricks, etc. (these last ones are all due to the greater possibility of infection because of the lymph build up in that arm.)

So yeah. That's me right now. Sarah and I are dealing with it and doing ok. I'm a little better than she is. Pray for her. Pray for me. Pray for us. Whatever the outcome of this, to God be the glory. He will work this out for good. I believe it, and I'm expecting it, and I'm naming it, and I'm claiming it, and I'm planting my seed, and I'm Benny Hinn-ing it...so yeah. We're covered.

Barf

I'm pretty sure this song lights my hair follicles on fire it makes me so angry. This is NOT what God should be making us look like. Oh, I'm hot...and not like Mary, Mary's talking about.

I just wanna tell the truth mayne (5x)
Verse 1: Your so fly your so high
Everbody around you trying to figure out why
Your so cool your win all the time
Everywhere you go man you get a lot of shine
You draw like a magnet better yet I have it
Everything you wear people say they got have it
From the sweat suit to the white tee to the gucci
You can probably say people wanna get like me

Hook: But what they don't know is when you go home
And get behind closed doors man you hit the floor
And what they can't see is your on your knees
So the next time you get it just tell em

Chorus:It's the God in me (5x)
You think I'm so fresh you think I'm so clean
You think I'm so sweet
It's the God in me
Kiki:What is it you think you see

Verse 2: You see her style you think she nice
You look at her whip you say the whip tight
You look at her crib you thinks she's paid
You look at her life you think she's got it made
But everything she's got the girl's been given
She calls it a blessing but you call it living
When it comes to money she can be a hero
She writes them cheacks with a whole lot of zeros

Hook: But what they don't know is when you go home
And get behind closed doors man you hit the floor
And what they can't see is your on your knees
If you ask her she'll tell you

Chorus: It's the God in me (5x)
You think I'm so fresh you think I'm so clean
You think I'm so sweet It's the God in me
Kiki:What is it you think you see

Kiki: What is it you think you see
When you see me, you see me
You don't know how much I pray
Don't know how much I gave
Don't know how much I changed
I'm just tryna explain

Chorus:It's the God in me (5x)
You think I'm so fresh you think I'm so clean
You think I'm so sweet
It's the God in me
Kiki:What is it you think you see

.....Gag me with a stick.