tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3362358813447111162024-02-08T11:03:13.808-08:00the makings of a mandeliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-48924595839557432872012-11-06T06:53:00.001-08:002012-11-06T06:53:38.714-08:00DefiningOne of the largest themes of my life has been more of a question: What is a man? After humpteen years of reflecting I think I've finally come to a little bit of a revelation. I'm coming to see that I've had a pretty consistent idea of how a man is defined all along - an adult male possessing integrity, strength (primarily non-physical), open-minded, gentle, firm, assertive, discerning, wise, a balance of quiet and out-spokenness, genuine, appropriately vulnerable, and intentional. More could easily be added, but that captures the essence for me.<br />
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I'm finding the uncertainty that filled most of my question really has had more to do with, "What is masculine?" than "What is a man?" I think the above definition of man is similar cross culturally where as masculinity often looks very different among cultures. I'm still very confused on what it is to be masculine, or rather what <em>type</em> of masculine I want to be.<br />
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Maybe a good reframe for me would be seeking to be manly - as related to the definition of a man above - rather than seeking to be masculine.<br />
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~<em>Father, bring clarity. Let me seek your image more than my own.</em>deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-2946683815176469012012-10-18T08:27:00.000-07:002012-10-18T08:27:05.872-07:00Jesus speaking to meMy church only has a Sunday night service once a month. It's always the first Sunday at which time worship music, baptisms, and corporate communion commences (that's a lot of c's in a row). This past Sunday was one to go down in the books.<br />
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First of all, participating in a full worship service was amazing because my Lovely One and I are usually with the greeting crew so we miss the first half of the worship. It was a super-charged emotional service with it being the night the founding pastor of the church stepped down from being senior pastor and passed the mantle onto another pastor. Musical worship - check. Now onto baptisms. A mother renewed her commitment to walking with God and being sensitive to The Spirit. Cool. I love that at our church the entire congregation gets on their feet, claps, shouts, and yells for people when they come up out of the water. It makes me feel like I'm participating even a little bit like how the Father and those in Heaven rejoice when a sinner is saved. Now onto communion.<br />
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Let me interject for a second, please. Thank you. Okay, so "context is king" as a professor of not-mine once said. The past couple of weeks I have been having major issues with God. I'm in this personal phase where I'm becoming less numb and feeling more. It is kind of like waking up sleeping animals and I don't really know which type of animal I'm waking up when. Yeah, so, this past week had been chock-a-bok full of explatives at God and unleashing suppressed anger. In some ways I felt guilty and in others I felt apathetic. I had been having feelings questioning God's presence in my past and current chaos. Where was he when I was being sexually abused? Where was he when I was all alone? Where was he when I felt like everything was crashing in on me and he had abandoned me? That kind of stuff.<br />
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Okay, back to communion. First came the bread. As our old pastor (not as in age - well, yeah, I guess he's old that way too - but as in tenure at the church) prayed over and held up the bread and I saw a picture in my mind of God funnelling his wrath and fury onto Jesus for the sins of the world he was bearing. It was stirring to say the least to picture this ultimate sacrifice for the Father, for the world, and for me. <em>me</em>. I remained shaken by this reality while the bread was passed out and the worship band played The Revelation Song. Sorry Kari Jobe; no one does The Revelation Song like The Vineyard! Then came the "wine". I usually try to reflect on my sin and Christ's sacrifice in preparation for receiving this sacrament, but Jesus interrupted me. <em>Sidenote: in my mind when I "hear" God speaking to me in the still, small voice I always imagine it's coming from God the Father though I really have no true basis for this</em>. <em>end sidenote. </em>In my "holy imagination" as my pastor calls it, I heard Jesus ask God if it was okay for Him to speak; obviously it was! So Jesus then told me that he was sorry that I felt so sad, isolated, angry, and numb. He told me that He could relate; that he too experienced what I did as a man and was tempted in all things also. He told me that, "It's okay, I know. I've cried the tears that you cry." This wrecked me to say the least!!! (Yes, all three exclamation points are necessary.) Never before I have felt the closeness and personal-ness of the Holy Triune to me. Never. God always felt so ethereal and removed. I was weeping by this point as I saw something like a sheet of blood, like at the end of car wash is with rain washing the suds off, wash over me. God reminded me of how He had cleansed me of all sin through His love and sacrifice. All of my inner fight just fell flat in light of this. I still barely grasp what happened that night. I just know that I am now changed.<br />
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Pretty much all of my life I have loved God and have worked hard for Him even when He wasn't wishing that of me. I have always had the amazing gap between me and God though. I never knew why I couldn't approach Him and reach out to Him in times of need. I could to His Church, but not to Him. This has changed. I was struggling major time this morning getting stuck in my head about a dream I had last night and remembering love and pain from the past wondering what if... and when... Today I could reach out to Him. While I am scared as s#!$ to trust Him and rely on Him, somehow I am assured that He is there for me - personally there for me. Thank you God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit for this assurance.<br />
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This experience will be an ebenezer stone for me to reference back to from hence forward. The enemy can not steal this event from me, this Entity and Relationship from me rather. I am nervous as all get out and extremely excited to see what happens from here. I know it's not going to be what my domesticated, suburban self had in mind. <br />
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~<em>Came to believe has never been so genuine. Thank you for accepting my reality and not just being the god of my imagination and composition, but the God of the scriptures you breathed into life. Thank you.</em>deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-78193395518118515962012-10-09T12:40:00.002-07:002012-10-09T12:40:17.063-07:00anonymityJust as anonymity is a cornerstone in the Alcoholics Anonymous program, I will value it highly here as well. I believe anonymity can allow for an environment where persons can more thoroughly express their thoughts and feelings that they may feel unsafe doing with "real" persons who could more easily harm them with their reactions and responses. In addition, I'm currently in a geographical culture and occupational position which would not readily receive the honesty I wish to display here. If you believe my anonymity in an of itself creates dishonesty, well, we'll just have to agree to disagree; and that's okay.<br />
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Those who do my personal information outside of this blog, please respect this wish by not identifying me within one's comments to posts. Thank you. I value you and your support incredibly.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-59974352084629650382012-10-05T08:24:00.001-07:002012-10-05T08:24:04.036-07:00a prelude to my future writingsBelow are several PSAs I'd like to get out there to be used in reference to my future writings:<br />
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1. Some have difficulty believing the 12 Steps align with Christianity. I am not of this mindset and my writing will not reflect that mindset either. The Holy Bible was an integral part of the inspiration for the writings of Bill W. who authored much of the original Alcoholics Anonymous text; however, the Bible was not the only literature used for inspiration. I do not believe that all of Christianity fits within the 12 Steps, but I do believe that all of the 12 Steps can and do fit within Christianity. If you feel otherwise, that's okay. I don't at this time, that may or may not change. Until then, this will be part of my operational mindset.<br />
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2. Some in the Christian circle argue that a follower of Christ should continue to claim their identity as an alcoholic or addict. This seems to come from the idea of transformation and being a saint versus a sinner after belief in the basic tenets of salvation. I do not fully align with this ideology. When I self identify as a sex addict I think of the "now and not yet" ideology often refered to within the Vineyard denomination. In the "not yet" realm I understand that I am justified and faultless before God (I think), but this is not true in the "now" realm in which we live here on earth (I think). Thus, identifying as a sex addict is a direct reference to who I am in the "old man" and does not reflect who I am in the "new man" created by the Holy Spirit. I also need the reminder that this addictive cycle will likely be a lifelong temptation that I must be ready from which to flee and battle spiritually. Reminding myself of this helps me to stay on guard.<br />
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3. The reason I often place prayers at the bottom of posts is for a few reasons. One, I definitely have some pioty left in me - most of which I attribute to my Southern Baptist heritage of which I am partially appreciative. Second, I need these prayers to remember the hope in Jesus when I so often lose sight of that when staring so narcisistically at my own life. Finally, I need accountability to remain in prayer to battle my self-reliance and isolation.<br />
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4. I recognize that I am extremely comma happy. This, will, not, change. I, hope, this, will, be, tolerable, for, you.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-7330074483092621882012-10-05T08:05:00.002-07:002012-10-05T08:05:35.205-07:00came to believeThe second step of any of the Anonymous groups is "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." This is pretty much where I am in both my recovery process in general as well as my recovery process in Sex Addicts Anonymous. <em>Caveat: "My name is __________, and I'm a sex addict." I've been saying this for about a year now. Historically, this information has only been shared with a trusted few. I struggle at times with setting limits on how much to tell and to whom to tell; however, in this, I believe it is now time to be able to bring this part of myself fully into the light as this is not only my struggle, but many others' struggle both inside and outside of the Church. </em>The more I reflect on my sexual history - in addition to the thoughts, emotions, consequences, and overall process surrounding my sexual history - I clearly see the stamp of the addictive process/disease in my life. Thus, I am growing in awareness of my powerlessness and unmanageability (Step 1 of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous - the same steps for all Anonymous groups).<br />
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As I am venturing into the land of this second Step, I can't help but be thorough. Example: I <u>know</u> there is a Power greater than me that could restore me to sanity. But this Step isn't looking for knowledge; it's looking for belief. I find myself very conflicted lately when comparing what I think I know to be true of the Holy Bible versus what I believe to be true of the Holy Bible and its implications. I know God says He will never leave or forsake us, but I'm not sure I fully believe that. I know that God wants to father me in ways an earthly father never could, but I don't believe that this is possible or probable a lot of times. I know that I am supposed to rely fully on God and lean not on my own understanding, but I don't believe that God will be there to catch me if I let go of the control, hence leaving me clinging to my self-reliance.<br />
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I do believe that God is working in my heart and mind. I do know that He is right and my beliefs are not necessarily right (beliefs in general that is because I definitely know all the aforementioned beliefs are not right). I am trying to be much more emotionally honest and authentic with myself, others, and God. I don't believe this will be a quick fix for me, but I do believe it will result in truer intimacy and deeper relationships. I believe this will satisfy my soul more. I'm pretty sure God is okay with my unbelief though as I ask Him to help me in it. Otherwise, I'm super screwed I guess. <br />
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All of that to say I am <em>coming to believe that a Power greater than <u>ourselves</u> could restore <u>us</u> to sanity</em>, but I'm not quite there in believing that God will restore <u>me</u> to sanity. I believe that He could, but I'm not sure I believe that He will if I'm honest with myself. This is gradually being reconciled with the Holy Spirit within me, but not quite yet. I'm honestly a little scared of that reconciliation because of how much trust and release that truth would require. I guess if I'm truly a slave to righteousness though those things are already required without my belief in that truth. Hmm.<br />
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<em>~ Help me in my unbelief.</em>deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-38337832289813533852012-10-04T08:12:00.002-07:002012-10-04T08:12:53.324-07:00communityIt's been a while since I've been excited about my weekly schedule. Things have changed. It looks like I'll soon be meeting weekly or every other week in my sex addicts anonymous groups, a one-on-one bible study with a brother in recovery, a group of young men being discipled by leadership at church, and a small group for young, married couples with no children.<br />
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With all of this I can't help but be nervously excited about this new prospect of community while also being anxious and moderately scared. I have been isolated and cut of emotionally for so long now, community feels foreign. It's time to pick up a new language and customs.<br />
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~<em>God, let me not look to your bride for only what you can give. Keep my eyes drawn to you, even if they be tear filled and laden with burdens.</em>deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-55879744826000042902012-08-22T12:49:00.001-07:002012-08-22T12:49:23.020-07:00SurpriseI can be dense at times. While this is likely extremely well known and predictable to those who know me best, I just plain forget this truth. Hence the density. Well, this lead to my recent surprise that I could reach out to people that were not directly in front of me, and can can get just as palatable and sensational response as I can from someone in front of me.<br />
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Thank you Jesus for bringing some redemption to technology in my life despite how much destruction I have welcomed in through it. deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-86003628421476256252012-08-21T12:38:00.003-07:002012-08-21T12:40:05.881-07:00Follow upSo, it didn't take 3 years - that's good. I guess there needs to be an update on me. <br />
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Currenlty I'm in a "waking up" phase. Sleeping parts are being awakened. While I know that this is good, it is mighty uncomfortable, different, and damn near hard to keep a hold of. While going-with-the-flow is typically viewed as a positive trait; it has turned into an incapacitating numbness for me at times. What all this process has in store I do not know. This process being God that is.<br />
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Part of this is about me looking honestly at what I know and what I believe. My life experiences have provided me a great deal of knowledge - for which I am thankful; however, it has almost become like gnosticism for me in that knowledge becomes that which is most sought. That's not completely true of me, but looking for and accepting knowledge as kept me from seeking reflection, discernment, and challenging my beliefs. <br />
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I need prayers. If you're willing to offer those I am grateful to you.<br />
Pray I would develop a heart of prayer; I do not have it and I need it.<br />
Pray I would have the desire to talk to God - a problem (not doing so that is) which has precipitated much of the dilemma in which I find myself.<br />
Pray I would be brave in reaching out to others.<br />
Pray for a safe community of believers both myself and my wife could engage.<br />
Pray I would fight for ground in this process rather than sitting on a hill letting life pass by.<br />
Pray I would do that which I know will be helpful to me despite what it may cost me and how it may receive negative reactions at times.<br />
Pray I would have the courage to no longer live in fear and hiding.<br />
Pray that I can find someone who can hold me accountable in some key areas of my life.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-30193361142825963822012-08-21T09:42:00.001-07:002012-08-21T09:42:52.632-07:00Hello again.Welp, it's been about 3 years since I've posted. I think this short stint has been, well, I don't know; it's been something. Nonetheless, I'm happy to return to my reflective, creative, comma lovin', cathartic, and partially narcissistic blog of choice. <br />
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I hope to build a blog that is built upon honesty, vulnerability, safety, fun, and a little bit of frivolity. Hopefully it won't take me another 3 years to post on this thing!<br />
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Adios por ahora.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-31876379022904575832009-05-19T08:54:00.000-07:002009-05-19T09:01:08.308-07:00QuestionsLet me just begin with saying that I hate "why" questions. I think they're typically useless because they're too complex and head-centered versus action-centered. Thus I will spill my questions and then come back to revise them later.<br /><br />Why is anger and hurt so hard to let go of and forgiveness so hard to hold onto?<br /><br />Why does holding a grudge make me think the other person is affected by it?<br /><br />Why do I want others whom I feel should be punished to experience the same hurt I feel?<br /><br />How do I reconcile all of this to the new man inside of me?<br /><br />On another note:<br />How is it that generational curses can persist in light of the new covenant? or can they not?<br /><br />Well, that's about it for now, except please join me in praying that I will get the job I applied for with Region 8 Mental Heath Services and it will work out well. Thanks.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-49258500338066359132009-04-22T10:43:00.001-07:002009-04-22T10:47:53.621-07:00Child development<a href="http://hotfile.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/guess-who.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 294px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 208px" alt="" src="http://hotfile.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/guess-who.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>Growing up, my family played a lot of board games. I mean, we LOVED - and love - board games. </div><div> </div><div></div><div>As I think more about, I think the games we played largely shaped the way I formed into who I am now. I reaped what was sown, I guess one could assert.</div><div> </div><div></div><div>So, I think the game "Guess Who?" pretty much sums me up. It encompasses my quest for self-discovery, identity instability (maybe), and being an inquisitve and analytical person.</div><div> </div><div></div><div>What childhood game do you think shaped you? How?</div>deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-29829831083254784502009-04-19T05:02:00.000-07:002009-04-19T05:05:28.716-07:00Ok, I've decided...I MUST start singing again.<br /><br />I have just now watched about 4 songs from Broadway musicals online. I now feel like my body is ready to burst with song. Literally, I am physically on edge. I know that I was gifted with musical abilities for a purpose. Social work can not satisfy this. Participating in worship one to two times a week can not satisfy this. I want more. I need more.<br /><br />I am anxious to see how this is played out.<br /><br />What do you feel are qualities or drives in you that are intrinsic, undeniable, unsupressable, and calling you to act?deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-27904120937615393452009-04-16T08:20:00.000-07:002009-04-16T08:42:04.297-07:00A Mississippi ManI just realized how much the culture here is affecting me. Over the last couple weeks I have:<br /><br /><div><div><div><div><div><a href="http://site.cheap-airsoft-gun.com/357-revolver-airsoft-chrome.jpg"></a>Shot 4 different guns in a pasture behind a chicken house. (all pistols: .22, 9mm, .38, and .357), bought a <a href="http://www.asseenontvguys.com/ProductImages/TOPSY_TURVY.jpg">Topsy Turvy</a>, and planted squash, green beans, bell peppers, and hot peppers.</div><div> </div><div>It's official: next week, I'm getting mud flaps. </div><div> </div><div><a href="http://www.yosemite-sam.net/Sam/Vehicles/Sam-Mud-Flaps.jpg">These mud flaps</a>.</div></div></div></div></div>deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-36414551052985795532009-04-10T10:34:00.000-07:002009-04-10T10:36:58.060-07:00TodaySometimes, I wonder incredibly too much what others think,<br /><br />and sometimes I compare myself way too much to others,<br /><br />and sometimes I wonder how I'd be different if I was just ok with me, right where I am,<br /><br />and sometimes I think I'll "arrive" at that place of quintessential contentment.<br /><br />I'm thinking contentment is much more of a vehicle than a resting spot.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-56705666730517592842009-03-22T23:03:00.000-07:002012-10-09T13:21:01.022-07:00ResultsAfter what seemed like forever trying to get arrangements made with the financial counselors at a particular hospital (because I'm without insurance currently), my health clinic and the lymphedema clinic, I was finally able to get an appointment. Sarah and I went to the Lymphedema Clinic this past Thursday.<br />
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The occupational therapist (OT) asked me a few questions about my arm to start things off. In very little time she stated that I pretty conclusively have <a href="http://www.lymphnet.org/lymphedemaFAQs/overview.htm">lymphedema</a>. To know for certain if it is lymphedema versus another time of edema - a.k.a. swelling - I would have to have an expensive test done where they inject dye into my arm and measure the uptake of the dye by my lymphnodes and all of that. Regardless of whether it is general edema or lymphedema, though, the treatment is the same. The OT said that I likely have primary lymphedema which means that I got it genetically. This surprises me because I don't know of any family members who had it other than my dad, but his was from cancer in his lymphnodes so his was technically lymphoma.<br />
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I begin treatment tomorrow. I am scheduled to have treatment every morning this week. Kim, my OT, does not think I will need all 5 days, but we scheduled it just in case. Kim's pretty certain that she can get my left arm back to its original size. On Thursday, my left arm was about 1.5 inches larger in circumference than my right arm (which is my dominant arm). The treatment is called Complex Decongestive Therapy (CDT). It is basically the manual moving of the fluids from the extremity with unhealthy lymphnodes to other extremities. So, beginning tomorrow, Kim will push the fluid from my left arm toward my right arm and left leg. The fluid <em>should</em> then be processed properly there and no swelling persist, ideally. After she finishes the treatment tomorrow, I'll have to wear bandages on my arm until the treatment Tuesday and that pattern repeats all week. Once treatment is finished I'm pretty much set. I will learn techniques to perform "self maintenance" on keeping the fluid down in my left arm. I am to go see Kim after treatment is concluded if the swelling continues and persists for more than 2 weeks. So basically: I do this treatment this week and just go in for tune ups when I need them.<br />
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There are a few life changes that will have to come with this. One is knowing and dealing with the fact that I'm not invincible. Lymphedema is not curable, but it is treatable. Another change is that I will likely have to wear a <a href="http://www.uklymph.com/images/im_compression_garment.jpg">compression garment </a>when engaging in physical activity. A final change will be making healthier lifestyle choices. I will need to exercise more regularly (with my compression garments), eat foods that are low in fat and salt, and practicing meticulous watchfulness over my left arm including heightened skin care and steering clear of scratches, bug bites, needle pricks, etc. (these last ones are all due to the greater possibility of infection because of the lymph build up in that arm.)<br />
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So yeah. That's me right now. My wife and I are dealing with it and doing okay. I'm a little better than she is. Pray for her. Pray for me. Pray for us. Whatever the outcome of this, to God be the glory. He will work this out for good. I believe it, and I'm expecting it, and I'm naming it, and I'm claiming it, and I'm planting my seed, and I'm Benny Hinn-ing it...so yeah. We're covered.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-1789603217539270382009-03-11T12:20:00.000-07:002009-03-22T23:39:28.489-07:00BarfI'm pretty sure this song lights my hair follicles on fire it makes me so angry. This is NOT what God should be making us look like. Oh, I'm hot...and not like Mary, Mary's talking about.<br /><br />I just wanna tell the truth mayne (5x)<br />Verse 1: Your so fly your so high<br />Everbody around you trying to figure out why<br />Your so cool your win all the time<br />Everywhere you go man you get a lot of shine<br />You draw like a magnet better yet I have it<br />Everything you wear people say they got have it<br />From the sweat suit to the white tee to the gucci<br />You can probably say people wanna get like me<br /><br />Hook: But what they don't know is when you go home<br />And get behind closed doors man you hit the floor<br />And what they can't see is your on your knees<br />So the next time you get it just tell em<br /><br />Chorus:It's the God in me (5x)<br />You think I'm so fresh you think I'm so clean<br />You think I'm so sweet<br />It's the God in me<br />Kiki:What is it you think you see<br /><br />Verse 2: You see her style you think she nice<br />You look at her whip you say the whip tight<br />You look at her crib you thinks she's paid<br />You look at her life you think she's got it made<br />But everything she's got the girl's been given<br />She calls it a blessing but you call it living<br />When it comes to money she can be a hero<br />She writes them cheacks with a whole lot of zeros<br /><br />Hook: But what they don't know is when you go home<br />And get behind closed doors man you hit the floor<br />And what they can't see is your on your knees<br />If you ask her she'll tell you<br /><br />Chorus: It's the God in me (5x)<br />You think I'm so fresh you think I'm so clean<br />You think I'm so sweet It's the God in me<br />Kiki:What is it you think you see<br /><br />Kiki: What is it you think you see<br />When you see me, you see me<br />You don't know how much I pray<br />Don't know how much I gave<br />Don't know how much I changed<br />I'm just tryna explain<br /><br />Chorus:It's the God in me (5x)<br />You think I'm so fresh you think I'm so clean<br />You think I'm so sweet<br />It's the God in me<br />Kiki:What is it you think you see<br /><br />.....Gag me with a stick.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-31682027731532899622009-03-07T02:53:00.000-08:002009-03-07T03:08:02.670-08:00City-Wide Garage SalesWell ladies and gents, it is especially that time of year when the air begins to warm and the anxious buds on the trees and flowers begin to pry open with a real freshness and life. That's how garage sales make me feel!....Ok, not really, but I REALLY love garage sales.<br /><br />One of my favorite memories of living in Bolivar, MO (fill in the town and state with your own applicable small town experiences) was the city-wide garage sale weekend. Holy smokes we would tear that town up! Never throughout the year would so many poor and sleep deprived college students drag themselves out of bed to become a part of the community for, very possibly, one of the first times. That's what I loved. Pretense disappears at garage sales. You meet "real" people. People smack dab in the middle of life and you get to walk up and join them where they are with both people having something to offer the other and the potential of a connection being made. Maybe it's not the complex or meaningful for most, but it is for me. I feel a part of something when I go garage selling, and it's not the greedy flea market vendors who rape people of some of their best products to traffick the products off to others. Sick.<br /><br />With that anecdote in mind, what is one of your favorite small town memories?<br /><br />*Note* It is not politically correct to use the verb "gyp" when referring to get someone to lower his or her price. The word is derived from the noun gypsy and can be taken derrogatorily. It is more appropriate to use the verbs "haggle" or "bargain." :)deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-64262098943392802642009-03-04T09:04:00.000-08:002012-10-09T13:18:53.049-07:00Tony Horton, show me love, baby!<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_5s-ajcy26S4/Sa601jVw9LI/AAAAAAAAAMQ/2I0XywDSJ8Y/s1600-h/p90x_plus_tony_horton.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309379842828989618" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_5s-ajcy26S4/Sa601jVw9LI/AAAAAAAAAMQ/2I0XywDSJ8Y/s200/p90x_plus_tony_horton.jpg" style="cursor: hand; float: left; height: 200px; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; width: 158px;" /></a><br />
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<------ This man right here, my friends, is about to rock our family's house straight to the ground. Then he's going to gingerly pick us up and put us in bodies that are healthy with clothes that don't bulge...where we don't want them to, that is. ;)<br />
If you have never watched the P90X infomercial. YOU SHOULD!!! As an avid infomercial watcher and self-proclaimed connoisseur, I say that this product will be amazing and my abs will be also. Can my wife and I commit 60 minutes a day to this? We must, that's all I have to say.<br />
Oh, and I just bought a book titled, "Eat More Weigh Less." It was written by Dean Ornish who speaks about the prevention and reversal of cardiovascular disease and altering one's genes through modified diet and exercise. Yeah, it should be good.<br />
What are you doing to improve your health these days? I wanna know.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-65015175329378931032009-02-21T00:15:00.001-08:002009-02-21T00:35:21.097-08:00SickI'm sick. Very sick. Temporarily, maybe, but I hope not. Not physically sick, per se - excluding my gimpy arm - but, rather, internally fed up.<br /><br />And I'll tell you why.<br /><br />I am sick of seeing churches that pamper their members more than they care for those in need. Working in the homeless program at the Veteran's Affairs Hospital in Jackson, MS has made me aware of almost every resource available to homeless people in the Jackson metro area. I am astounded by the number of churches that offer to help the homeless through one meal, one day a week, i.e. lunch on Tuesdays. How is one meal in one week going to help significantly relieve a homeless man or woman's plight of homelessness? How will this help alleviate the other needs in his or her life? How will relationship be built in that one time meeting each week? Will it be as deep, lasting relatinoships are formed and maintained on Sunday mornings at so many church congregations (sarcasm noted)? All that to say I'm sick. I wish that we, as the church in Jackson, MS - for I can not speak for everyone everywhere - need to step it up and change directions. We as a church are becoming so inwardly focused that we're about to implode (the direction I believe the traditional Western church is headed very quickly).<br /><br />I'm not sure of the answer, but I know that change needs to take place. It most first begin in our hearts with Christ. It must then be in our soul (mind, will, and emotions) through the renewing of our minds and the putting off of the old flesh. Then the matter comes to the action plan of change. That's where I would like us to brainstorm.<br /><br /><br /><br />I think this painting is interesting. Not sure of my thoughts on it, but defintiely interesting. What are your thoughts<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_5s-ajcy26S4/SZ-8JCQizUI/AAAAAAAAAMI/xwmZDKDIsbo/s1600-h/homeless.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5305165749476838722" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 136px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_5s-ajcy26S4/SZ-8JCQizUI/AAAAAAAAAMI/xwmZDKDIsbo/s200/homeless.jpg" border="0" /></a> (on this related topic or painting)?deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-81873853045667599442009-02-17T08:31:00.001-08:002012-10-09T13:18:00.477-07:00Ain't A That Good NewsWelp, they did the venus doppler (and checked my arteries while I was there to save mone). The radiologists said they saw<br />
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<strong>no</strong> <strong>sign of a blood clot</strong>.<br />
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Praise the Lord!!! I spoke with my physician and he says the next step should be to speak with a vascular surgeon about the possibility of lymphedema. Well, I don't know that I'm going to do that right now. My wife and I think that my swelling is decreasing some, so we're going to keep doing what we've been doing. I'm going to keep up with exercise and taking aspirin each day.<br />
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I thank you all for your support and care in this and will continue to keep you updated as more develops or decreases. :)deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-17319655655544650842009-02-17T06:09:00.001-08:002012-10-09T13:17:27.809-07:00DopplersSo, I need a venus doppler and an arterial doppler completed. These test the blood flow through my veins and arteries. I have found a place to have the two tests done. Yesterday, I found out their machine is currently inoperable. There is hope that it should be fixed this week. Please join with me in prayer that the machine will be fixed soon and that I can employ its services while my health is still maintained.<br />
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My heart has been anxious the past few days as well. As with the possibility of a blood clot, I wonder if the slightest move will loosen the clot and it could go to my brain, heart, or lungs and that would be lights out for me. It's a grossly morbid thought, I know, but I must not be afraid to boldly face the possibilities that are in place. Pray that peace can reside within me instead of anxiety. Certainty, in the Lord, through this misty phase. Boldness in the place of fragility. Intentionality instead of wind blown.<br />
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UPDATE: As I was typing this my beautiful, lovely, and cherished wife called and said that they can get me in for one of the tests this morning in about 30 minutes to and hour, so I am off to the doctor. I will update as I know more information.<br />
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Grace and peace.<br />
Glory be to God in <em>all</em> things.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-4223584667011882662009-02-13T22:43:00.001-08:002012-10-09T13:16:54.936-07:00Blown awayThat's what I am. blown away. I have been praying for the Lord's provision and He has surfaced Himself in very tangible ways today. A local church - which I do not attend, mind you - has offered to pay half of the costs for the two procedures I need to have done. This came about by me asking a ministry leader if she knew any resources for people without insurance. I was astounded at this news, especially by the fact that the church does not typically offer this type of benevolence to non-church members. Today, I have had two other cherished people in my life offer help with the medical expenses if necessary.<br />
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I am astounded by this response! It reminds of the first church and how they pooled their resources to care for one another. This is especially touching to me in light of the current economic situation of the nation. Please do not hear this post saying that people should offer us financial help, or others are better/worse if they did/do not. Each person should follow the convictions that Christ lays on his or her heart and nothing else. <br />
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I write only to say that my wife and I are inexpressibly grateful to <strong>all of you</strong> for this support, friendship, and love.<br />
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At this point, I am unsure whether we will need additional help with financing the medical care at this time. I promise to keep you all informed honestly and openly (in the true Obama presidency fashion) about our goings on and needs. If the Lord does lay it on a person's heart to give, I promise to do my best to lay my pride aside and respond with the deep appreciation and humbleness this is within me through this.<br />
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Again, thank you all for your support and love that you have offered in various mediums. The Lord is good and will be proved good no matter the outcome of me and/or my arm. Let the sole goal in this be: to God be the glory.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-67188897024901511182009-02-12T23:07:00.000-08:002009-02-12T23:30:20.812-08:00A change in statusAs it seems, I likely do not have lymphedema. That's a praise! This hasn't been confirmed by anyone really, but it is unlikely. I do evidence swelling in my left arm, but I have no soreness in my lymph nodes which is pretty much a must, I think. My doctor thinks I probably have a blood clot in my left arm which has its own share of troubles. Thus, I'm trying to make my way to get some tests done as soon as possible (arterial and venus dopplers). <br /><br />If the blood clot makes its way into my lungs or heart I could die instantly. This is incredibly sobering, and I'm not sure of its likeliness at this time. I do know that the fragility of life is becoming ever more aware to me. More accurately, the pre-existence of this fragility is hitting me. It's only by the grace of God we breathe our next breath, make that turn just in time, pull it together on that hydroplain, don't breathe too much of the carbon monoxide we can't detect, etc. <br /><br />Strangely enough, I have peace. I have generally been fearful of death in my life, <u>especially</u> the rapture (if it is, indeed, to happen). Though, as I am faced with the increased possibility of death, I am at peace. I am concerned for my wife's well-being. I am concerned as to how I would be rememberd. I am concerned for those left behind. I wonder if those whom I have asked to perform specific tasks at my funeral/memorial will uphold the commitments I asked them to make.<br /><br />On a more socially acceptable and positive note, I think I have found a place that can perform my needed tests without me having insurance and I will only be charged according to my income and/or how much money I have with me that day. I think I'm going to take the day off from my internship and see to this tomorrow. In thinking about it tonight, I should probably put this as a pretty high priority since it has lethal potentiality. <br /><br />I have started exercising, and that seems to be reducing the swelling some. I have also started taking aspirin twice daily to keep my blood a little thinner to at least serve as a preventive measure concerning blood clots, if not a method by which to break down the possible blood clot in my arm.<br /><br />Many prayers are still needed and appreciated.<br /><br />What has made/makes you aware of the fragility of life, if you have ever been made aware of this?<br /><br />Big Pimpin': Check out <a href="http://phlebotomic.blogspot.com/">http://phlebotomic.blogspot.com</a> to see how they are being bled out for Christ.deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-31807864610344110822009-02-11T07:30:00.000-08:002012-10-09T13:15:36.438-07:00A Clinical ScareSo, I went to a health clinic yesterday to get my arm checked out. It seems that since my wife and I have been married and sexercising on a regular basis, my left arm has exploded. I mean, it is huge! My left arm - particularly my muscles - were markedly smaller than my right arm's; however, this is no longer the case. My left arm now almost dwarfs (ok, a little dramatic) my right arm.<br />
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My presenting symptoms:</div>
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My left hand/arm stays red consistently </div>
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My arm is, at times, sensitive to touch</div>
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It feels like fluid enters my arm but does not recede (like my hair, dang it)</div>
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I have a crazy amount of vericose veins around my left arm pit<br />
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So, the doctor checked me out and said that I have an abnormal swelling in my left arm, possibly lymphoedema. This frightened me. He said he has no idea why an otherwise healthy, young guy would have lymphoedema. My fear came when I remembered that my Dad had lymhoedema, but his was from cancerous tumors in his lymph nodes. The doc at the clinic did a couple of chest x-rays to see if there were any clots or anything showing there, but nothing. The doctor said that he wants me to see a specialist about it. That's great, except that I don't currently have health insurance. </div>
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To say the least I'm a little concerned. I have always been a little paranoid about cancer because so many in my family develop it, though most of it is from smoking. </div>
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Please pray that Sarah and I can determine the best course of action and have the resources necessary to complete those actions.</div>
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PS: This is pretty much what I look like. <img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301565917794357634" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_5s-ajcy26S4/SZLyHQNzUYI/AAAAAAAAAMA/woxuW0P6qDo/s200/Lymphedema_01_Base_225.jpg" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 194px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 155px;" /></div>
deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-336235881344711116.post-36507404708495864712009-02-11T07:17:00.000-08:002009-02-11T11:51:58.924-08:00OPERATION Graduation<p align="left"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_5s-ajcy26S4/SZLtgn4EjVI/AAAAAAAAAL4/Ag4V9XlGf1c/s1600-h/the-battle-of-the-bulge-timeline-2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301560856084254034" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 234px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 221px" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_5s-ajcy26S4/SZLtgn4EjVI/AAAAAAAAAL4/Ag4V9XlGf1c/s200/the-battle-of-the-bulge-timeline-2.jpg" border="0" /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_5s-ajcy26S4/SZLtgn4EjVI/AAAAAAAAAL4/Ag4V9XlGf1c/s1600-h/the-battle-of-the-bulge-timeline-2.jpg"></a></p>As I am now working at a Veterans Affairs Hospital, I am<br />inspired by the vets' service in battle. Thus, I am beginning my own battle. I am naming it "OPERATION Graduation."<br /><br />This battle will consist of 2 fronts, much like WWII.<br /><br />Western Front: Graduate from the University of Southern Mississippi May 8, 2009 @ 15:00.<br /><br />Eastern Front: Arrive at my target weight, 175 lbs., by the conclusion of this operation.<br /><br />This is the war I have waged, and I am fit for battle. Please ask about my progress if I forget to update you all on it, though I will aim to update you regularly.<br /><br /><em>And knowing is half the battle.</em>deliveredjudehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06866397654923006915noreply@blogger.com0